Oh, did I mention Beckett had a birthday

Beckett turned three earlier this morning. He had a little party at home with us on the day of his birthday.

The next morning his brother got the cake out of the freezer and they sat in front of the tv and licked all the frosting off.

Well- we got back from Mexico. And it was great. It is always great to just sit and read and swim. And more importantly to be with the boys. Coen swam by himself underwater for the first time. When asked what his favorite part was he said "swimming" and what he didn't like he said "walking" or as Alma called it the daily death march. Beckett got pretty bad blisters on the first few days so his dad had to carry him for most of the death marches. Beckett said his favorite thing was the food and he didn't like the fish. Which was confusing to me because he ate a ton of fish. And then he let us know that it was the koi in the lilly pond. When we bought our tickets the lady warned the boys not to stick their fingers in the pond. We never saw any of the koi but it must have made an impression on the little guy. Thinking about it I don't think he would go by the edge while we were looking at the lilly pads. I think my favorite part was the food too. And my day at the spa. On of the nice things about the spa when the lady doesn't speak English. It relieves me of the compulsion to feel like I have to chat. Here are some pictures.

This is what we did the first night and every night thereafter.

Isn't he just darling?

Sadly, the Malacon closed the second day we were there.

Isn't this a lovely church?

In the center of town right before the "cathedral" there was a live band playing traditional music and many couples gathered to dance. I loved it.

Some scenes from the Malacon the night we went before it closed.

My favorite thing was when we took the bus an hour south to these great botanical gardens. Did I tell you Beckett loved the buses. The older and shakier the better. The ride to Wal-Mart was his favorite. He would scream and wave his arms in the air like it was a roller coaster.

Scenes from some of the death marches.

Easter

The day before Easter we had an egg hunt with friends. It was a lot of fun. Alma didn't come because he needed a day off- and for me a party is a day off but this is not so true for Alma. We met up later for a birthday dinner for his mom. It was so nice to visit with every one and all the kids were so cute.

Just like last year it rained again on Easter Day. Sigh. So we had an indoor hunt at Laura's house. The little kids up stairs and the big kids down stairs. There were way too many eggs. It was disgusting how much candy my kids took home. I think we are still coming down from a two week candy high. We also had appetizers and desserts- that was so delicious. Everyone made such good stuff.

Because of the rain I had a difficult time getting pictures of the boys in their Easter finery. They really did look so cute going to church but of course five hours later we were looking a little worse for wear.

And of course after the hunt comes the great loot trade.

These are the Mother's Day gifts that Coen ate and then tore up into little pieces today.

Thanks to all the great ladies in primary and nursery that helped all the little kids make gifts for their mom.

Mother's Day

The last several years I have taken a moment to write a little something on Mother's Day. So I didn't feel like I could break that pattern. I always feel a little ambivalent about Mother's Day- and this year I was a little on the negative side. I actually was feeling just fine until the night before when I wandered into the card section of Target and started flipping through cards. And I just got really angry. I am allowed to be angry. I give my self permission now to feel it and express it. I no longer feel the need to pretend like life is just normal and perfect. This is important for me. So I got angry. I got really angry. There is nothing quite like perusing mother's day cards to make you bitter about your crappy mother. And the whole drive home while our sweet little boys snoozed in the back of the car I thought about how some women shouldn't be allowed to have kids and they don't deserve any accolades.

I was a little better the next day- really trying to focus on my children and what a blessing it is to have them in my life. Really trying to bath in the joy that is our family life. And really I just have one thing to say about the day of- if it was really a celebration you wouldn't have to get your kids dressed and at church on time and you also wouldn't have to wash the dishes from your breakfast in bed. In Alma's defense is was aware of how much I hate being woken up and didn't bring me the breakfast in bed and just let me sleep in until I wandered out into the kitchen around 10.

I keep thinking about breaking the chain. About trying to create a home filled with love and tenderness. Even when you have a couple of toddlers who push you to your limits. About trying to always be aware of my past and creating a different childhood for my boys. And I was talking to Laura this week and she told me how good a job I am doing- and how you can tell by just watching my boys that they feel loved. And that meant a lot to me. Because that is all I want in life.

And don't get me started on how I feel when my mother calls to tell me what a crappy job I am doing as a mother and wife. Thank goodness Alma has never listened to her advise to leave his abusive wife.

And on another note- yesterday Coen thanked me for being such a great mother and then he turned to his dad and thanked him for being a great mother too. And today I have been thinking a little about how lucky I am to live in a generation where the fathers are willing and able to step in and do some of the "mothering". I have always said that Alma is the nice and thoughtful member of our partnership. I am so grateful to have such a kind guy to help me raise these boys. And I know there are times my patience has been pushed to its limit and there are times that Alma is done with our wiggly kids. Thank goodness there are two of us to spell each other. So this mother's day I was grateful I have a great partner to help me in this great endeavor.

A Letter to my Children

Coen and Beckett-

I know we had a rough day today. Any day where Coen wails from the back seat "I hate you. I hate you. You have ruined my life." is really not a high point for us. And I know that it seemed like I was being really mean to you today. But really I was showing you that I love you.

Before we ran errands today I told you that you could get to pick where you wanted to eat lunch if you behaved at the book store and the garden store. And then you didn't behave at all. You see I ignore a lot of your normal little boy wiggles- but today was so much more. You screamed and chased each other up and down the aisles of the book store, you piled the step stools on top of one another to see if you could get to the top of the book shelves, you stuck your head in the water fountains, Beckett licked the side of one of the water features and then you topped it all off with chasing one another around the patio with tomato stakes- the sharp metal stakes pointed at your brother. This wasn't your normal playing, chasing giggling- this was monumental misbehavior- and you had ample warnings that you wouldn't be getting a lunch out.

And so the temper tantrums started. And I kept my cool, and I explained your consequences, and I counted to ten and did it all again. Coen your temper tantrum lasted for almost an hour and a half. And you see I didn't let you go out to eat because I love you. I know that you have to learn that you can be responsible for your life, I want to give you the power to succeed and believe you can be great kids and people. But to do that I have to show you that when you fail to meet the standards there are not rewards. Rewards are earned. If I didn't love you I would have just given in and let you have what you wanted because that is so much easier. If I didn't love you I would even let you order soda and fries whenever you wanted. But I want more for you.

I want you to be great. I want you to believe that you are great and capable and can achieve your dreams. I want you to be proud of your achievements and feel successful. And it is sad but true that I can't help you gain those things with out also in a loving and kind way showing you what happens when you fail. So I grit my teeth and hugged you and told you I loved you and let you yell at me- and then let you go be angry in your room until you had calmed down enough to be with me in the kitchen.

So I know I made you really mad today- but I hope when you are older you will be able to see that it was done out of love. I hope you will be grateful for the love, and attention, and boundaries your father and I are trying to provide for you.

And tomorrow we will discuss why it isn't nice to eat the gifts that you gave someone the day before.

Love, Mom