Mother's Day

The last several years I have taken a moment to write a little something on Mother's Day. So I didn't feel like I could break that pattern. I always feel a little ambivalent about Mother's Day- and this year I was a little on the negative side. I actually was feeling just fine until the night before when I wandered into the card section of Target and started flipping through cards. And I just got really angry. I am allowed to be angry. I give my self permission now to feel it and express it. I no longer feel the need to pretend like life is just normal and perfect. This is important for me. So I got angry. I got really angry. There is nothing quite like perusing mother's day cards to make you bitter about your crappy mother. And the whole drive home while our sweet little boys snoozed in the back of the car I thought about how some women shouldn't be allowed to have kids and they don't deserve any accolades.

I was a little better the next day- really trying to focus on my children and what a blessing it is to have them in my life. Really trying to bath in the joy that is our family life. And really I just have one thing to say about the day of- if it was really a celebration you wouldn't have to get your kids dressed and at church on time and you also wouldn't have to wash the dishes from your breakfast in bed. In Alma's defense is was aware of how much I hate being woken up and didn't bring me the breakfast in bed and just let me sleep in until I wandered out into the kitchen around 10.

I keep thinking about breaking the chain. About trying to create a home filled with love and tenderness. Even when you have a couple of toddlers who push you to your limits. About trying to always be aware of my past and creating a different childhood for my boys. And I was talking to Laura this week and she told me how good a job I am doing- and how you can tell by just watching my boys that they feel loved. And that meant a lot to me. Because that is all I want in life.

And don't get me started on how I feel when my mother calls to tell me what a crappy job I am doing as a mother and wife. Thank goodness Alma has never listened to her advise to leave his abusive wife.

And on another note- yesterday Coen thanked me for being such a great mother and then he turned to his dad and thanked him for being a great mother too. And today I have been thinking a little about how lucky I am to live in a generation where the fathers are willing and able to step in and do some of the "mothering". I have always said that Alma is the nice and thoughtful member of our partnership. I am so grateful to have such a kind guy to help me raise these boys. And I know there are times my patience has been pushed to its limit and there are times that Alma is done with our wiggly kids. Thank goodness there are two of us to spell each other. So this mother's day I was grateful I have a great partner to help me in this great endeavor.