Thanksgiving Thoughts

Yesterday was your typical Thanksgiving- tons of food, family, and games. But as I was driving home with the boys (Alma was already home in bed because he has to work today) I realized I hadn't had time for any thanksgiving. So I thought about what I am thankful for this year. I have those amazing gifts in my life that I am grateful for every year. My loving and tender husband, my funny boys who make me laugh every day and smother me with their love on a regular basis. I am thankful for two sisters who are everything to me. The reason I survived our childhood with a semblance of normalcy, and provide me with daily support, inspiration and love. I am always blessed by my extended family- my many steps and in-laws who have made this difficult year a little easier, who when I was in the depths continued to support and love me and give me hope for a brighter and healthier tomorrow.

But this year I think the thing I am most grateful for if the gift of eternal progression. The ability to grow and heal. Much of this year I was suffering from the pain and hurt of the past. It made it difficult to really live in the present and relish the time I have with the boys and Alma now. And that is not how I wanted to live. But my decades long ability to ignore and wall off the pain seemed to have been lost and I needed to find a healthier way to move forward with my life. And with a lot of support, love and work I can see that I am on the right path. That the pain of the past is in the past. That I can guide my future and relish the present. I am amazed at the ability of the soul to continue to heal and grow- to have hope and charity in the worst of times. So this year I am grateful for this gift of healing and progression. For the power of the atonement in my life.

So this has been living on my desktop for a while now. Coen randomly has me open it and add things. Mel from work really wants to get a large animal costume and be sitting under the tree on Christmas morning and jump up when the boys come running in and start cheering. On a more realistic note I think that one of Aunt Becky's box/duct tape robots would be really cool under our tree (hint hint).

Coen’s Wish List:

Football Uniforms for the whole team (Blue for him and brown for Beckett)

Knights on horses

Football Mascot

Toy Robot

Air Bender

two star wars guys

Luke Skywalker

Double light saber

star wars game- one where you save R2

star wars snow planet ball

star wars pencil

Oh and if you can tell- we are a little bit into Star Wars around here- and Coen is not my true fanatic. I can only imagine Beckett's list.

Thanksgiving is Just Around the Corner

Just a few weeks ago Coen said- "Halloween is over- so now we make turkey cookies, right?" Remember on a whim last year we made these cookies? Well I didn't realize that was going to become a tradition. Well tonight we made some misshapen cookies and then I burnt them. So it was a successful evening, so I guess we will try again this weekend.

Some Thoughts That Struck Me This Week

From Marianne Williamson (not Nelson Mandela like I always thought:)

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Our worth in the world has always been tied to our looks, not the amazing miracle of our existence.

Courtney E. Martin

Sunset in Arizona

As my time here in Arizona comes to an end- I am overwhelmed with thoughts and feelings.

Mostly though I am feeling free- free of a burden I have carried for most of my life. I feel as if pounds of black sludge have been scooped out of my chest and left here in the barren desert. And I am returning to Alma and the boys unfettered by the past. A free strong woman.

I know life will still be hard. I know that I still have relationships with toxic people. I know that I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. But that work now seems possible. And the future looks hopeful.

After dinner tonight I took a drive through the desert and watched the sunset. And just drank up the infinite beauty and power available to me through my creator. I have an infinite amount of beauty and power as well. I am starting to believe that I truly am a miracle.

I was a miracle the day I came to this earth- all skinny legs and red hair. I was a miracle every time I survived, every time I didn't collapse under all the hate and abuse. I was a miracle when I clawed my way out of the black hole of our childhood. I am a miracle. A miracle that I made two perfect little boys. And it is a miracle that I am going forward and leaving the injury behind aware of the pain but able to know that it does not define me. My strength and divinity define me.

That is what I knew as I drove through the sunset in the desert.