So I am home with my boys.
I love being home with my boys.
Coen sat on my lap like a little baby for the entire Sacrament meeting.
I love being home.
I have so many thoughts to share.
But I also have one of the biggest RS events in two days.
So tomorrow I hit the ground running.


But bug me to share some of my insights- they are great.

It has been worse than imagined-
And yet just what I expect of her.

Unbearable pain.
And maybe a little relief-
And gratitude for hugs from loving strangers - even the support from the grumpy silent one.
And extreme gratitude for loving sisters- thankful for the depth of love that is in my life.

And yet- full of sorrow and pain and sorrow and hope that I can let it go.
that I can leave it here in the desert with the cactus and the jack rabbits...
and go home and hold my life- my husband the boys- the life of love that I am building...
and I will hold it close- and bury myself in their love.
Go home where I am safe and loved.

Pain, Lots of Pain

So we are here-
some of you know where here is
here is a lot of pain- a lot of pain
here is fear
here is hate and anger and some more hate
here is a wish for hope- but just hopelessness

Here is furrowing the past turning over the dry arid burried pain to reveal deep wet painful wounds, tilling the pain and sorrow of the past I had let lay fallow and I am not fully ready to plow into.

Here is hell.

Clove Preschool

This fall when it was time to send Coen to preschool- I just couldn't do it. I couldn't wrap my mind around spending money to send him away from me. We were attending music class and story time at the library every week- and the group of mothers I hang with met fairly often to let the kids run around like monkeys. So I didn't do it. And I am glad I didn't.

But... He has started to need a little more structure. So we have started a preschool here at home. Mostly ideas from different blogs and websites and mixed together to meet Coen's and my interests. Beckett plays along to.

Next month with be science and nature oriented. This is mostly to meet Coen's ever growing demand to have the natural world explained to him (or to explain it to me). "Look Mom- the sun is shining down and the rain came down and now our flowers are growing!" Was his explanation when the daffodils started growing. So we are going to make a home for worms, and do nature walks, and grow some grass- let me know if you have any other ideas for us. We will also continue our many hours spent discussing the anatomy of the human body. I have some pretty detailed flask cards (for my use) that Coen loves to go through. "Mom what does an ovary do?" In fact yesterday I was explaining that we don't touch other peoples private areas- then I had to explain what private areas were- and he interjected "And your egg-maker is private too!" Yes Coen I rarely let others touch my ovaries.

Here is our learning board- I am needing to make it a little more sticky because the things fall off too easy.

Coen gets the concepts, and vocab, and numbers and Beckett is getting the letters. Coen isn't really into the letters. But we keep trying. I was pleased when I gave him a hand out that was a little too advanced and explained that the apples with big As should be red and the ones with little ones yellow. He isn't great at coloring- or following instructions so imagine my surprise when I came back and he had done it just perfectly! Every week we work and a different set of concepts and go to the library to get books related to the subject.

So far it is going great- but I need a ton of supplies. I am picturing a shoe holder hanging off the back of our hall closet door full of any supplies needed for projects we come up with so i don't have to keep going to the store every week. Sadly so far I have not seen one of those shoe thingys at the dollar store.

New Years Resolution

What you say? It is nearly April? Oh I am a little late. Well tough you take what you can get around here.

So one of the things I love about this house is my craft room. I love having a craft room. Before we moved in I pictured myself whiling away the evening hours in there- watching an old musical while I scrap booked, or sewing on a sunny afternoon with little boys playing with their fire trucks below me. But here is what the room looks like:

I admit this picture makes it look worse than it is and It would be relatively straightened with an hours work. I am starting to think of it as the room of unfulfilled dreams. There are many many semi finished or never started projects lurking in this room. See those closet doors- shelves and shelves full of patterns and yarn and notions.

So here is my resolution- no more new projects until I finish all that is in my room. This means specific projects started not necessarily using up all of my yarn stash. The sad part is as I started to make a list of projects they are almost all gifts for others. Because i suck at finishing gifts- it is pitiful really. So look over there at the side bar- coming soon will be this list I am working on and as I finish projects I will take pictures, post them and then cross it off the list. And here is Alma's favorite part: No more buying of craft supplies unless it is needed to finish a project or is for a preschool activity with Coen.

I am strangely excited about this new recycled challenge!

Andrea Made Me Do It

This is the wall paper (the one on the left- not the boring ivy) I am dreaming of for our master. I actually prefer this one- but I thought the more boring palate would appeal to Alma.
Alma hates wallpaper- and I would agree except for when it comes to big giant 60s floral prints.
Alma seems to think that is even worse.
So do I just put it up one day when he is at work and get rid of the strange mint/sage green walls in our master?