I Don't Know How to Do This

I find myself constantly distracted- I am not the in the moment mother I love being.

I don't know how to deal with my mother's cancer.
I had just gotten a little adjusted to the idea of her not being in my life- not okay with it but accepted it, moving forward- not thinking about it all day long.

And then the CANCER. One of my sisters is continuing to not have contact- she says when hospice gets involved so will she. I am trying to find some middle ground. I don't think there is really a right way to handle the situation. I don't know what the answer is. I keep thinking I need to be there for Bob- I don't want him to be the only one dealing with her.

And what am I going to do when she is better? Just go away again? How will I deal with the guilt if she dies?

But that all said- she acts like nothing happened- like our interlude in the desert never happened. And that is hurtful, really hurtful. We bared our souls in front of a person we knew would only return our honesty with anger and abuse. And we were right. And now she acts like it never happened. But when I call to see how she is doing or what happened at the last doctors appointment we just have that pleasant phone chat. And I hate myself the whole time. Because I just want to scream and cry and instead I am politely chatting- participating in the lie she would like to believe.

And I can't stop thinking about it. I constantly question how I am handling the situation. I dread the phone calls- I hate myself afterwards. And yet I don't have it in me to have the confrontation- or lets be honest the 4 therapists in the room to keep my mom under control and protect us.

And I am still mad because of her bad behavior I never got to speak. That I was the only one not allowed to have her time. That I once again had to stuff my feelings and bite my tongue. I swore at the time I would never be silenced by her again. Boy that really lasted. And I just hate that. I hate how fast I fall back in to the silent peacemaker role.

But I just don't know what to do- or how to handle this. All I want is a little peace. I keep thinking haven't I been tested enough? haven't I proven my faith yet. I know we won't be tested beyond what we are able but I am tired of being able.