So today is Easter. A day of rebirth and renewal. As I look out the window by our desk I can see the world emerging from the dismal depths of winter. The trees and hydrangeas are sprouting green leaves, the daffodils, and hyacinth are at full bloom. And as I see these forbearers of the glory of spring and summer- hope grows and blossoms as well.

Not long ago my sisters and I lived through a difficult and painful week. We met with my mother in a safe and caring environment. We needed to tell her we loved her- but we also needed some sign of sorrow, or anguish- remorse or guilt for the pain, abuse and neglect of the past. And not too surprisingly none was forth coming. All we received was denial, further abuse, and anger. It was painful beyond any emotional pain I could describe. Not only were we remembering things long in the past and gut wrenching to discuss- but these tender vulnerable children were then abused again. It made the decision clear for me that my sisters were right and it was time to end our relationship with our mother. I sorrow for the loss of my mother. I know if she is well she is welcome to return to our lives. But I can't picture that. My mother has never been truly well in my lifetime. I don't know what that will look like.

And then at the end of the week the last lecture I attended was one on grief. It was uplifting and hopeful. The counselor pointed out that we not only have to mourn for death, or the loss of a place- me must also mourn our lost childhood if we want to live our lives with out anger or sorrow. And so I saw hope for the future. I know how to sorrow- I know how to grieve. I just have never grieved for my childhood. But I could see that I could find peace by embracing my grief, experiencing it and coming out the other side cleansed and renewed. Like spring returning to a barren frozen earth.

And then a few days after I returned I sang in the stake choral celebration of Easter. We sang an old French carol entitled Love is Come Again. I had sang this song many times in rehearsal- and yet not until the performance did the words really touch my soul.

Love is come again like wheat that springeth green
When our hearts are wintry, grieving, or in pain,
Thy touch can call us back to life again,
Fields of our hearts that dead and bare have been:
Love is come again like wheat that springeth green;
like wheat that springeth green.

(this is not a great recording but the only one I could find)

And so this Easter morn, I feel the hope that was heralded by Christ rising from the tomb. The knowledge that he felt all our pain as he knelt in the Garden of Gethsemane. That He knows my pain, that I may turn it over to Him and feel the peace available to me through faith in the Atonement.

So this Easter morn I feel hope. I know that I am like the hydrangea bush by our front door sprouting green leaves- preparing for the glory of the summer. So to am I grieving for the past preparing for the glory of the future.